This past Tuesday, I had the absolute pleasure of being a contestant in Smut If…?, a dirty fanfiction writing competition produced by the fine folks at Flying V and Plus2Comedy. (PS I’m so grateful that I have the kind of friends who 1. know about things like this and 2. immediately know that they should recruit me for them!)
The competition took place over three nights, each one having its own theme. Night 1 was nerdy literature, Night 2 (my night) was all flavors of gaming, and Night 3 was horror. On each night, there were pre-recorded contestants, who submitted videos of themselves reading a smutty fanfic of their choice that fit the theme. There were also live contestants, who at the beginning of the show would spin a wheel of fandoms to determine what fandom they’d have ONE LITTLE HOUR to write a dirty fanfic about. Then, while the pre-recorded contestants’ entries were played, the live contestants wrote furiously, and then came back to the show to read their results. Votes from the audience determined the winner.
Pretty fucking great, right??
So I was one of the live contestants, and I was READY. I was a “gifted kid” and I almost certainly have ADHD, which means that nothing makes me write faster or better than the adrenaline-fueled craze of writing under a super tight deadline (sigh…). I was IN MY ELEMENT. I had both my guys on standby to help give me a crash course in my gaming fandom if it was one I didn’t know. I was in my leather corset and pregamed with some blue margaritas. Like, let’s DO this. I just prayed I didn’t get, like, Settlers of Cataan or some nonsense.
The way the wheel worked was, you got two spins, and you could choose either one of your results. If you didn’t like either, you could have a third spin, but then you had to take the third result. So I made my first spin.
Solitaire. (…is that even a fandom?) Okay. I could conceivably write a masturbation scene about strip solitaire. Not very fannish, but I could work with it.
Second spin: Tetris. (Really?) Obviously, that would be an orgy scene. I considered it for the singular reason that my boyfriend had introduced me to the College Humor Tetris God sketch and maybe I could work with that, but honestly only he & I would have gotten the joke.
I had to choose. Tempted as I was to sink my teeth in the challenge of one of those two weird options, my gut said to risk the third spin. Settlers of Cataan was, by the way, on the wheel. (I don’t have anything against it, I’ve just never played and it seemed like a really hard thing to smut up.)
Third spin, the one I MUST take. The wheel clicks just past Castlevania, which is a bit of a relief as I don’t know that game well. It settles on…Candyland.
YES. Okay. This I can do! I played Candyland as a kid and also I once did a BDSM scene as Willy Wonka punishing Veruca Salt with candy implements. Food and sex are natural partners. I love the idea of porning something so wholesome. IT’S ON.
I did a little internet recon before I started writing– I probably haven’t played Candyland since I was in the target age group, and it turns out that fortunately there’s been a whole lot of canon added since then. These character names are priceless. They practically smut themselves.
So I put on my sexiest playlist, cranked up my perverted imagination, and started writing as fast as my WPM would allow. At the end of the hour, I was ready.
The guy before me got Settlers of Cataan. I salute you, friend. Your challenge was the greatest of all of us.
The audience reactions in chat were a god damn delight to read after I’d finished my piece. Apparently I got someone pregnant…heh heh.
I might have shouted aloud and taken a victory lap when the voting was done and I was announced as the winner of the live round. I mean…I really do these things for the joy of playing, but I am also a very competitive person and I really like to win. Also, it’s been a real grind in life lately and I just really appreciated the validation, you know?
So I thought I’d post my winning entry here for posterity, and for those who don’t want to watch the recap video but want to see the tasty tasty smut. (If you do want to watch it, there’s video on demand on Twitch— I’m at roughly the 2 hour 13 minute mark. It looks like I’m topless but I promise I’m wearing a very cute biker-jacket-style leather corset.)
Thanks SO MUCH to Noah, Navi, and all of Flying V and Plus2Comedy for an amazing night!
Here it is, in all its questionable glory (NSFW text, needless to say…):
Sweetest Taboo
I had crossed rainbows of time, traversed the Gumdrop Mountains, braved the Lollipop Woods, riding a sugar high with no sleep in a determined hunt for my beloved, King Kandy. All along the way, I had traded my own sweetness for each clue to take me the next step on my journey.
“Go to the third green space.” Mr. Mint said it growling through his teeth as I coaxed the tip from him, coaxing the tip of his hard striped rod with a delicate swirl of my tongue. I didn’t mind doing it. He was delicious. The length of him filled my mouth with fresh cool flavor, sticky and sweet, brightening my breath as I flicked my tongue along his cane.
Gramma Gooey lived up to her name. “No one has visited in so long,” she sighed as I lay her back upon a mattress delicate as meringue. “Except for my pastries…but there have been no callers just for me.” Fools, I tell you. With her silver hair loosed around her shoulders and her eyes full of hearthfire, she was the witch of Chocolate Mountain, a sorceress of the wild who knew only indulgence, never restraint. I could spend my whole tale describing the wanton joys to which she introduced me, the chocolate bars that stretched me wide and then melted in my heat, ready for her eager mouth to drink this elixir of sex and cocoa from my cunt. She was said to know every pastry technique in existence, and to have mastered them all…but less well known was her mastery over every inch of the body. Truth be told, I nearly forgot why I was on my quest at all, so tempting was it to linger here, the pampered pet of a sophisticated and exquisitely sexual sugar mamma.
But there was something about the way she sucked the twin gumdrops of my nipples that was so much like my beloved King, my lord, my husband, my beloved. In the maelstrom of my ecstasy, I heard his deep honeyed voice as if he whispered in my ear: “Frostine, my queen, my goddess, my delectable one, how I long to savor your sweetness once more, how I miss you, how I ache for you, for your breasts like twin scoops of ice cream, for the creampies of our lovemaking.”
Perhaps Gramma Gooey saw it in my eyes, that I longed for another, that I too would leave. Perhaps it was anger I saw flash across the stern lines of her face. Perhaps that was why she gave me the route that she did, through the most dangerous part of Candyland, where I was sure to be slowed if not stuck entirely.
Licorice Lagoon.
I had heard the rumors. No one, it was said, ever escaped the terrifying shadows of that awful place, where all the most hated candies lurked and plotted revenge. But it was there that Gramma Gooey sent me, and there that I would go. I would brave anything to find and free my dearest love—even candy corn. Even circus peanuts.
And so I braved the Lagoon.
It was as they had said. The murk sucked at my delicate feet, staining the pale blue spun sugar of my skirts. I fought off swarms of Swedish fish, red as blood, hot on my heels like piranha. Flocks of Peeps descended upon me, and I beat them away.
Finally I reached the tiniest of islands, and sank into the fork of the roots of a twisted tree, exhausted and hopelessly lost. Sleep overtook me.
When I woke, he stood over me. The one whose name was only whispered, and the whisperer quickly hushed. Lord Licorice. The ruler of this desolate, horrible place.
“You are wed to King Kandy.” His grin was awful, his teeth stained with the licorice that named him. “You have come a long, long way to find him, little Queen.”
“Nothing will stop me.” I sat up, pressing my back against the tree but defiant. “I shall have my love, or die trying.”
“No need to be so dramatic.” He looked me over, slowly, and cackled. His features were sharp and hard, his tailcoat black as midnight, his breeches…unexpectedly tight. “I need only for you to say the magic words, and I shall show you the way to him.”
That sounded like a trap. “What words do you mean? I don’t trust you.”
He shrugged. “How badly do you desire him—to find him, that is? I care very little what you think of me, but it would seem your options are limited. Perhaps I am your greatest hope now.”
I considered it. What, really, could this vile creature ask of me that I had not willingly offered to so many others along my way? “Tell me the magic words, and I will say them.”
His smile stretched his face, his eyes flickering with the darkest flame. “They are so few, and yet so powerful. ‘My lord, I gladly obey you.’”
I struggled to my feet. “That sounds like—like you might ask anything of me.”
“Indeed.” His eyes glittered, and he drew close. I smelled anise on his breath. “And yet, there is a counterspell.”
“Is there?”
“Yes. All you must say is “This treat is too tricksy,” and I shall release you. I will even take you to the edge of the Lagoon. But from there, you must find your way on your own. I shall help you no more.”
I wavered. Images of my beloved King Kandy, his powerful chest and caramel hair, filled my mind. He had been lost so long. So many seasons since I had laid beside him, skin to skin, his heat warming me, the scent and the taste of him flooding my senses. I loved him like no other, craved him like the rarest of treats. My honeylove, my Turkish delight, the one who satisfied my aching hunger.
I stood tall, smoothed my skirts, and faced the Licorice Lord. “My lord, I gladly obey you.”
He took me to his strange, shadowed estate, my wrists bound in strands of licorice, as if I had not already offered my obedience. I felt silent eyes on me, all around, the despised candies who lurked in the nettles and dark absinthe waters.
We went through vast forbidding rooms, and he took me down a curving stair, down and down, into a cavern dungeon that sparkled with deposits of rock candy in the walls. Birthday candles burned blue in the torch sconces around the looming space.
“Strip.” He said it casually, as if it were almost an afterthought. The licorice fell away from my wrists.
I gasped. “You are in the company of a queen!”
He fixed me with a cold gaze. “Is the treat so tricksy already?”
I lowered my gaze, and he chuckled. Slowly I unlaced my bodice. Slowly I let the delicately-constructed gown slip from my shoulders. Slowly I released myself from my fruit leather bodice and let it, too, fall.
Naked, I stood defiant before him.
He nodded to the rack on the wall. I walked to it, as proudly as I could. Spiders of black licorice skittered out of the corners as I lifted my arms and stood with my legs apart. They spun fine strands of sugar, binding my wrists and ankles to the frame.
“Your sister made this.” Lord Licorice hefted a rainbow-colored lollipop, so finely made it could only indeed have been a creation of Princess Lolly. “Would you like to taste it?”
I gritted my teeth. “My lord, I gladly obey you.”
The first blow took my breath away. The second made me cry out, and I heard him groan in delight. I felt my ass heating immediately as he landed the flat of the lolly over and over—but even more, I felt the trickle of honey between my legs that betrayed my defiance.
When he tired of it, he smirked at me. “I told you I would show you the way to your lover.” He snapped his fingers, and a hidden door opened. Through it stumbled—could it be? My beloved! My King!
He was naked, and glorious in it. The troll Plumpy shoved him forward—oh, how treacherous was the keeper of the sugar plum arbor, to now act as lord and master over my husband who had always been so kind a liege to him!
“Time for a snack, Plumpy.” Lord Licorice chuckled as the troll, forgetting my love, galloped over to me. He settled on his furry green haunches and licked his thick lips with a long curving tongue before leaning forward to slither that tongue deep into my cleft. Despite myself, I moaned.
“Ah yes, I thought you might enjoy a treat. And now so shall your king.” Lord Licorice held my gaze, freeing his cock from those absurdly tight britches. Long, and twisted, as black as his soul. He challenged King Kandy with his gaze. “What tastes will you endure to be reunited with your queen?”
Kandy looked at me, his eyes full of love and longing. “You found me, my sweetest love.”
“I swore I would, my darling.”
“Do as he asks, my beloved, and he has promised to free us. I do this for you.” And my husband, my love, leaned forward, naked, hands bound behind his back with the same licorice bonds that once had held my own wrists, and eagerly licked the length of Lord Licorice’s anisette cock.
I could see the telltale colors of candy corn poking out of his ass.
Suddenly, I pictured us here forever—no longer needing to spend our days attending to the everyday matters of all the people of Candyland, but in our own private decadent prison, serving the depraved whims of the sadistic Lord Licorice, fucking wantonly for his greedy eyes, beaten to orgasm by his licorice whips and candy canes, his pets, his servants, obeying his every command.
The troll’s tongue had worked me into a frenzy and I whimpered. “My lord, I gladly obey you,” I cried out. “May I cum for you?”
“Ahhhhhhh,” Lord Licorice groaned, and waved my lord husband off his cock. “Go, taste your queen’s orgasm.”
And then my husband was kissing me after so very, very long, and Lord Licorice rubbed the length of his erection and finally cried out, “You may cum for me, Frostine!” and I dissolved into sweet ecstasy as he frosted my cunt and thighs.
When it was done, and all of us had sunk to the floor panting, Lord Licorice waved and another door opened. “I keep my word. You have your husband. You are free to go.”
I met my husband’s eyes. We smiled at each other; we so rarely needed words to know each other’s desires. I snuggled deeper into our postcoital pile. “Let’s not be hasty, my lord.”
